I have written a blog. A rare carefully thought out blog. It details why I’ve been away and how much I’ve been struggling with various things. The tone is apologetic. Sorry for being weak, sorry for not being the person you’re used to, sorry for hiding away like this. It’s only the second time in almost 7 years that I’ve closed down social media entirely. I’ve done it once before and I had good reasons. Death and heartbreak. There’s nothing like that this time, but there’s been other stuff.
The blog was going to be pinned to my profile so everyone could reconsider if they still wanted to be my friend. I was going to give them an “out” and they could run for the hills and I would say sorry several times for their inconvenience.
Then I thought to myself, that shit can fuck right off.
If I can’t be myself on twitter, then what’s the point? Someone suggested that I lie about being single on Twitter. Their motives were kind and they were trying to help, but I told them this is the one place I can be completely honest about who I am and how I feel and nobody was ever going to change that. I thought about that when I wrote the apologetic blog and I realised I couldn’t post it.
Sometimes, people are shit. I’ve seen a lot of you behave badly over the years; make mistakes, have tantrums and meltdowns, do stupid things, and I’ve understood. We’re all human and I am naturally drawn to flawed ones who don’t pretend to be perfect. There are some who prefer to keep their private lives private, I understand that too. But I gravitate towards the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Who say how they’re really feeling and don’t play games or say everything’s fine when it isn’t, or apologise, then complain about you. I like talking things through, arguing if necessary, but getting somewhere, finding a resolution. But that’s just who I’m drawn to and it takes all sorts to keep things interesting.
Lately, I’ve behaved badly too. I haven’t said anything I don’t mean, but I’ve been snappy and irritable and I could have said those things better. Even in a fit of anger, I have apologised if I’ve overstepped the mark, or asked for clarifications or explanations to get to the root of the problem. I am aware it has been noticed. I am not going to apologise for it. Those who needed an apology have already got one and it’s been heartfelt. But I am not going to say sorry for being human, because I may be massively flawed, but I care and I get passionate. At least I’m not indifferent.
I have reasons. I have been unwell and am now on medication. I haven’t been sleeping more than 2-4 hours at night which is making me irritable. The dread in the pit of my stomach is back, and even on a good year, December is a horrible time for me for a number of reasons. Shit happens, I certainly don’t want any sympathy. I’m just cross with myself that I’ve spent days worrying and being upset about hurting people’s feelings when I doubt any one of those people have spared a thought for mine.
There was the friend who told me they only carried on following me because they liked reading my chats, but “not because you’re in them,” after I said it was too soon to meet up. Any attempt to talk was dismissed because they were busy answering polls on twitter. What I should have done, was explain that there are ways around this, lists, or the option to view conversations without following. I’m ashamed of how I let people treat me sometimes because I don’t want to admit how bad my judgement is. Ditto the person who told me they don’t like what I do on my TL because it makes them uncomfortable, or the one who told me they disapproved of my behaviour. Presumably all their unfollow buttons were broken. I couldn’t have made it any clearer about The Amnesty. These are all nice people, as am I, but we’re different. My terrible judgement of character continues at such a depressing rate, that I should probably be on the selection committee for the Queen’s honours list. One thing I have noticed though, the kind voices far outweigh the contemptuous ones.
So here is what’s going to happen. I am going to go back to Twitter as usual, and I am going to be myself like I always am. If you want to be beaten into submission by positivity, take it to Facebook.
If we are friends and I have upset you, you will tell me and we will talk about it like adults, because I’m really tired of games and lies and the complete lack of empathy or compassion. I will tweet about whatever mindless rubbish I like, (crap men, trash TV, my desperately uncool taste in music) to get me through the day, and I will give my opinions on things that you may disagree with. If that is not to your liking, you will find the unfollow button and you will click it, quietly. You will not explain my thinking back to me, you will not judge my choices, and you will not tell me what to do. I don’t want to meet you in person unless I know you REALLY well, and probably not even then. Don’t use me as just a number in your dating game and especially not to make anyone else jealous, because I love my girls and I’ve been there myself. It’s shit. This is the place I come to escape, so let me make this clear for you – I will choose when I leave, no one else.