10 Words You Should Never Use

English isn’t my first language, it is in fact the third language I learned, but it is by far my favourite. It’s the one I use the most, and the only one I’m comfortable reading and writing, though that doesn’t mean I do it well, which is why I would like nothing more than for us to banish the words (and its users) that are an embarrassment to this fine language and make it more appealing to people who like nice words, lovely describing words, beautiful sweary words, infuriatingly angry words, none of which describe the terrible examples that feature in this list of my top 10 words we should banish from this earth.

10. Moist – This word is all about context. I have no problem whatsoever with it being used to describe a chocolate sponge or a sticky toffee pudding, but use it to describe any bodily emissions (ugh) or in a *mouths* ‘sex-u-al’ sense and it instantly conjures up images of sweaty men licking their lips in a way that suggests you don’t want to see what their fingers are doing.

9. Hun – This is a terrible word in any context. To begin with, it’s short for ‘honey’ so the spelling is incorrect. It’s already a short word, so shortening it further just makes the user look lazy, which is probably why Facebook users are so keen on it. It automatically cancels out any compliment I receive and I have a good mind to charge users of it for my dental care, with the involuntary tooth grinding it always brings on.

8. LOL – I’m guilty of the odd LOL when someone says something funny, but punctuating with LOLs is an issue. See also LMAO, ROFL and PMSL for which there is absolutely no excuse. Some people are so amused by their own jokes, they use it twice. PMSL PMSL!! Always followed by exclamation marks, presumably to emphasise the full extent of their incontinence. Those people are filling the void left by their dull words hanging in the air, like a fart in a very small lift. Don’t encourage them.

7. Daddy – Already an unpleasant word when used by an adult in the correct sense, hat botherer and slidey dancing extraordinaire Usher has made it far more sinister for me by using it to dirty talk. He’s by no means the only one. Revolting incest connotations aside, nothing would kill my boner faster than a man suggesting I call him daddy, because I’d be terrified he was actually talking to a child and we know how I feel about children.


6. Chipotle – Technically not an English word, but it’s commonly used by Brits nowadays. I have no issue with this word when it is written down. It just sounds like an extension of chips and who doesn’t like chips? Only murderers and the like. I’m strongly in favour of anything related to chips and for a long time, I felt a warm affection for this word, until I heard it pronounced correctly. By an English person. Then it all went horribly wrong. The honeymoon was over. CHIP-OT-LEY? CHIP-FUCKING-OTLEY? What kind of MADMAN decided that would be the correct pronunciation for non Spanish speakers? Chip-ottle, like bottle, rolled off the tongue quite beautifully, but this monstrosity of a word, murdered by an English accent, has no place in my life and with a sad little sigh, I have to put it in the bin.

5. Gusset – There was a day quite recently, where I tweeted a blow by blow account of a deeply embarrassing tights malfunction. I was wearing a short skirt with tights which weren’t up to the job and during the course of the day, decided to roll down, gusset first, to my complete and utter mortification. I mentioned the word gusset at least 27 times that day, so I feel like a fraud putting it on this list, but there is no other alternative, which doesn’t for one second mean that it is in any way a pleasant word. It’s about as welcome in any conversation, as a pulsating pimple on the end of a bride’s nose. Perhaps we should come up with an alternative word? My favourite word in the whole world is ‘piffle.’ Talking about my piffle slipping down would’ve made the whole sorry tale sound a lot more fun. I do hope it catches on.

4. Sweating (food) – Now I’m no cook, say people who haven’t tried my curry flavoured supernoodles stir-fry special, but chef types often tell me we eat with our eyes, ears, nose, etc. So when I first heard the term ‘sweating’ instead of just steaming and frying, which is what it is, I had to spend the whole meal reminding myself that I wasn’t eating gym socks cooked in onions with perspiration courtesy of gazillionaire greaseball Marco Pierre White. We may use all our senses to eat, but we certainly don’t use our pores. Whatever next? GREASING a baking tin? Hahahaha! Oh.

3. Banter – Like the recent hijacking of the word ‘honest’ to mean to be the biggest joy sucking, fun killing, spirit breaking bastard you can be to someone, before somehow justifying it with “I’m just being honest, because I’m real,” ‘banter’ is the get out clause for acting like the chief prick of a tribe of pricks who have nothing better to do, than to be as offensive as is humanly possible to be, then multiply it by the power of prick, squared, and take it all back by saying “it’s just bantz, innit.” People who use this word ought to be told it holds no magical powers. Your words will still be just as hurtful and offensive, but with the added bonus of making you look like the King of pricks. And yes, I promoted you, you PRICK.

2. Nom – I have a confession to make here. I’m not a shallow person, but a boyfriend of mine said “on nom nom” once and I nearly dumped him on the spot. I had to pretend I was thinking about what he’d said and not wondering how I could ever kiss a mouth again, that had just casually thrown the aural equivalent of a warm turd out without a second thought. How could I not? Just typing the words out made me clench so hard, I’m a dead cert for rear of the year 2015. I can’t explain why I hate it, I just do, with a strange and violent passion. So please don’t make your lovely girlfriend dump you and stop it now.

1. Panties – No prizes for guessing this one. It is impossible to use this word without sounding like a sex pervert. Don’t shake your head and tell yourself you’re the exception, you’re not. In fact, you’re the worst. We’re all talking about you and questioning why you can’t just be normal and use the hundreds of alternatives, like knickers, pants or piffles. We have GOT to bring that word into the mainstream, people!

Are there any words that you’d put into Room 101?



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