Today, I am Emma Thompson. I go through life being fabulous, funny and articulate and I will be understood, loved and universally adored. I will look good even when I’m trying to look goofy and you will want to be me. I will impart advice, tell witty anecdotes and be charming. Some days, being someone else is the only thing you can do to stop yourself from GOING OUT OF YOUR TINY FUCKING MIND.
Today has been testing. In fact, it started last night. One minute I was fine, the next, I wanted to KILL EVERYONE. It wasn’t hormones or upset, but sheer frustration. I suffer from frustration a lot. I think it should be a recognised medical condition, treated with doughnuts and a wet flannel to the forehead, applied by a funny man wearing eyeliner, while he sings to me. A lot of things bring it on; Keith Lemon, the comments by raging bellends under any news article, people with perfect hair, etc.
On this occasion, it was my own unending need to say what’s on my mind. Yes, I still haven’t learned to keep it zipped. You’d think I was a leftover extra from Dawson’s Creek, who years after the show came to an end, is making up for being given a non speaking part while Dawson and Joey TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED AND USED UP ALL THE WORDS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS TO OFFER. Then they TALKED SOME MORE! Christ they talked. They must have had an army of writers working on that show because sometimes at night, I can still hear the words.
I’d always assumed that shutting up would come with age. That I’d somehow learn the art of being enigmatic and keeping people interested instead of beating them into submission with words. It’s not enough to have a discussion. Oh no no no. I have to explain what I think, how it makes me feel, give examples, back up every point and then wait for the person I’m talking to, to do the same.
Of course, normal people don’t treat every conversation like it’s the Oxford Union debate and will generally shrug their shoulders and say yes, no, wevs.
And that’s when the MONSTER RISES FROM IT’S LAIR.
“EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” The Hulk who looks a lot like me, will snarl. Understandably, the other person will beat a hasty retreat while I emit smoke from my ears and devour small animals whole, crushing cars as I beat my chest and roar through the streets. It’s not as fun as it sounds, being a mad haired King Kong/T-Rex hybrid.
It all boils down to wanting to understand and needing some order in my life. I struggle to accept that most things are out of my hands and need to put my faith in something else. Putting it in people brings different problems, especially when they don’t do what they say, say things they don’t mean, can’t explain themselves or behave erratically. In my simple little brain, I think my way is easier. Waiting till you mean something before you say it, being honest and upfront, and explaining my actions if they’re confusing. I’ve never said something just to get what I want. I know I’m missing out, everyone does it, but I can’t do it. I do everything in my power to fulfill my promises. I know it’s my issue. I understand people have free will and change and don’t follow rules. I know they often don’t stand by their words and I find that a tiny bit scary, but it’s their choice.
*I* know all that, but TRY TELLING THE KING REX!