10 Celebrities Who Should Never Be Allowed To Use Public Transport

  1. Jake Bugg – His rightful place is OUTSIDE a Tube station, singing mournfully about life, his internet smiley sadface troubled by the weight of the world on his shoulders. Or maybe it’s the guitar on his tiny frame, it’s hard to tell.
  2. Rihanna – Have you ever seen her walk past a pole without humping it, sliding down it or miming a sex act with it? Public transport is full of poles. We’d all miss our stops.
  3. Beyonce – Even in the crippling heat of the underground in the Summer, Beyonce would arrive looking immaculate, while we stare on, slack jawed, sooty from the Northern Line. The tube tunnels would transform into wind tunnels as she sashayed out of the carriage with ease while we limp along on a broken heel.
  4. Louie Spence – We don’t need to see the Tasmanian Devil of the dance world pirouetting around our handbags, as we attempt to catch a quick nap behind a newspaper.
  5. Keith Lemon – There are enough men who don’t understand the meaning of personal space on public transport as it is.
  6. Kimye – The fear of them recreating the video for Bound 2 on a bus would always be lurking at the back of our minds.
  7. Calvin Harris – His 6′ 5″ frame would struggle to fit. He’d be uncomfortable. It’d get hot underground. He’d be forced to take his T-Shirt off. That would be TERRIBLE (amazing!) and we’d never get off the circle line.
  8. Keanu Reeves – We’ve all seen Speed and we’ve also seen the traffic in London.
  9. Gwyneth Paltrow – The smell of organic cabbage soup would linger in the airless carriages for days.
  10. Meryl Streep – She’d get an Oscar for her moving portrayal of a TFL tube driver who with the help of the unions, manages to secure fat pensions for all workers before confessing to being a narcolepsy sufferer and getting fired. Tourists, charmed by the film, would arrive in droves, armed with maps and cameras, haranguing defeated commuters for directions, photographs and (worst of all) a smile.



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