I have just returned from a trip to Narnia to visit the charming Queen, with a large sack of Turkish Delight and armed with all the knowledge I need to rule the world. There is much work to be done and it will happen, make no mistake, but I’d like to start off small and cut my teeth on Britain. Here is what I have planned for my reign when the time comes. It is, in essence, everything I stand for. My time will come, soon.
- Anyone cheating on a partner will find their sexual organs replaced by a Super Mario mushroom (male) or a pair of biting Pacman nipples (female.) It may sound like fun, but just imagine the sex. Actually
that DOES sound like fun….this needs work.
- Bono will be muzzled at all times when not performing on stage.
- Able bodied slow walkers, sudden stoppers and pavement hoggers will be eaten up by sinkholes to clean up busy streets
- Youths blaring terrible hip-hop or any other music in public places will see their trainers replaced with neon crocs.
- Anyone heard saying the words “Cheer up love,” will lose their 2 front teeth immediately. All future smiles will be gummy.
- Gwyneth Paltrow will be forced to live on benefits for a year and continue to write goop. Standby for advice on how to make a handful of quinoa and mung beans last a week. She will be forced to dress in clothes made entirely from hemp and rice paper.
- Secret sexting when in a relationship will result in your face being plastered on giant billboards across the country for gonorrhea awareness campaigns.
- Inconsiderate/dangerous drivers will find themselves in Flintstones bottomless cars, which they will have to power themselves by running for 5 miles at a time.
- Parents who make no attempt to control badly behaved children in public, will have to walk home, bare foot, on Lego. Their children will be packed off on a boot camp weekend with Peter Andre, who will train them up for free, because he loves kids. The results in Narnia have been very positive. There have been no further offences. I’m told he sings to them.
- Anyone caught littering will be dunked in a food waste bin 3 times for each offence.
- Anyone using the word ‘daddy’ in a sexy way will be repeatedly body slammed by the ghost of Big Daddy.
- The telling of non white lies will result in an electric blue boil on the tip of your tongue. It will grow with each lie and burst at 10, oozing green slime for 24 hours.
- There will be a strict guyliner code for all men under 45. Failure to adhere to it will result in full Kiss makeup appearing on your face when in close proximity to someone you find attractive.
- Any body shaming either verbally or in the media will turn your skin into a patchwork quilt of rhino hyde and fish scales, one square at a time.
- David Cameron and George Osborne will be pelted by the contents of a food bank every time a child misses a meal
- Asking someone why they’re not married yet, will find you handcuffed to your partner until you both tearfully accept you hate each other.
- Sexism, homophobia or bigotry of any description will turn you into Jim Davidson until you correctly pot all the balls on a snooker table 25 times, while Snooker Loopy plays on a deafening loop in your ears.
- All politicians in favour of policies that result in keeping the poor in poverty, will have to spend a year in a small bedsit with Eric Pickles. Their shared bed will be covered in anti homeless spikes.
- All poverty porn programming will be replaced with tax evasion street.
- Tony Blair will be afflicted with a severe oil vomiting and diarrhea bug at any suggestion of starting a war by anyone, anywhere.
- Gropers on public transport will spend a week, completely naked, in a Selfridges window display next to Gok Wan who will repeatedly shout “IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CONFIDENCE” in their faces, through a giant megaphone.
- Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan will be locked into a romance themed Big Brother house forever. Lord Sugar will present eviction nights, where the public will decide whether Morgan gets to repeatedly run Clarkson over in a reasonably priced car, or Clarkson gets to sing to Piers for 24 hours while he presses a buzzer that only increases the volume.
- Persistent Facebook passive aggressives will find the fingers of their right hand permanently stuck to the U O K H N keys.
There is much to look forward to. I am off to feed the bothersome Faun to the lion.