Some of you will be aware that someone shared my last blog post a few days ago with the tweet “the arsehole character in it, is me.” They were right, and well within their rights to share a blog that was about them, even though I hadn’t shared it on twitter myself. I had my reasons for that. I’ve never named and shamed anyone on twitter, not even the worst DM pests or perverts. While I respect other people’s rights to do so, I’ve always wanted to deal with things myself. I do talk about them, but no names are ever mentioned or anything that’d give away their identity, even removing their pictures and usernames from screenshots. That has enabled me to vent and discuss things without inviting a pile on, with other people getting involved. But most of my venting, especially the things I can’t talk about in a humorous way, are restricted to my blog.
Those of you who read my blog will know it’s more of a diary than a blog. It’s almost a form of therapy for me, where I get to think out loud, make sense of things in my head, and occasionally find support or advice from others. The vast majority of posts are deeply personal and sometimes difficult to read, so I always make it clear that my blog isn’t for everyone. It’s not well written or meant to inform or be any kind of authority on any matter, it’s simply there to help me, as you’ll have noticed from the repetitive nature of it. What some of you may not know, is that I don’t share every post on twitter. Though the blog has subscribers, only a handful of people read it if it’s not shared. Being aware of this, I often vent my hurt or frustration about someone and later delete it, knowing hardly anyone will have seen it. As mentioned earlier, no identities are revealed, no names mentioned, but it is in the public domain and people are free to share it even if I haven’t.
My only problem with the person giving away who I had blogged about, was the fact that they were the one who had always been incredibly private. We had pretty much cut off all twitter communication because they were afraid of anyone getting the wrong idea. It meant even wishing me a happy birthday publicly was an issue for them. I have always been open on social media and wouldn’t have cared. I’m linked to most straight men I talk to, so it doesn’t bother me, but while it hurt that they would barely acknowledge me publicly, I had always respected their wishes. However, my openness doesn’t extend to having public rows with someone I cared about, and that is what this amounted to. They hadn’t wanted anyone to know we were even friends, but were happy for everyone to know we hated each other. My ex had done almost exactly the same thing, chosen to hide our relationship, but tweeted about the break-up, no doubt for the sympathy, though even he hadn’t mentioned me by name. This person was aware of this, but my ex had become something of an inspiration to them. To clarify, on this occasion, there was no relationship, just a friendship.
I was completely unaware of any of this because I was blocked (at my own request) by this person and the first inkling was when I suddenly started getting numerous hits from twitter. I did a search to see who had shared it, but twitter doesn’t show link text in search results and I wouldn’t have seen it anyway because I was blocked. I figured it’d be a random subscriber and shrugged it off. It wasn’t till the following evening when I discussed the twitter hits I was still getting with someone, that they found out for me and were then put in the awkward position of showing me the tweet.
Several things went through my mind. The first was the hurt, that this was the first thing they had chosen to go public with, while our friendship had been hidden. The second was the sense of loss about losing the anonymity I had always loved, when I needed it most. I knew mutual friends were probably whispering about it and who could blame them? I also knew it painted me as the villain who was being nasty about someone even though every word of it was true and I had made sure to remove anything that could give away their identity, which isn’t easy when you’re talking about someone on twitter, but it was written from the point of view of feeling hurt rather than to upset anyone. I didn’t know how to deal with it, all I wanted to do was cry.
There are so many things going on in my life right now I’m struggling with, the fact they hadn’t once asked about my health had been painful enough. I hadn’t expected any help or support, I gave up on that a long time ago, but I hadn’t expected them to make things more difficult for me. They knew my blog had been a lifeline during my toughest times. I had always feared someone from real life would find it and I’d have to shut it down. I had never expected a friend to “out” it. I couldn’t imagine writing in it again without people scrutinising every word and making assumptions about who I was talking about. But above all that, it felt like yet another betrayal from the same person who hadn’t given my feelings a second thought as had often been the case, because they were always so wrapped up in their own at all times. I doubt how they make others feel is ever even a fleeting question in their mind.
They held all the cards, always. Getting in touch when it suited them, not when I needed it, deciding when and how long we spoke for, when to do it publicly and when not, which social media I was allowed on and which one I had to stay away from. Following my blog and tweets almost religiously, but kept away from FB because the messenger doesn’t lie. They never looked beyond their wants, needs and feelings, always expecting things to fall into their lap with no effort and feeling incensed if they didn’t. Genuine anger that they had to work at something, because they had never had to, never wanted to. The idea that any meaningful relationship of any kind takes effort, being completely alien to them, opting for any distractions to avoid thinking instead. I’ve seen more commitment from change.org to my email inbox. My wants, needs and feelings were never even a consideration. It wouldn’t even cross their mind to think how their actions would impact on others, well certainly not mine. I can’t speak for others. Like I said in my previous blog though, they’re not the same person anymore. When we reconnected 6 or so months ago, I met someone else who has become a good friend shortly afterwards. Had anyone asked me at the time who would still be around 6 months later, I’d have got it completely wrong, despite the past. I had wanted to believe them.
In the end, I deactivated all social media, set my blog to private and hid. This doesn’t come naturally to me, but I just couldn’t cope with everything else that was going on. It’s only now that I realise how guilty that must have made me look. But I can honestly say, hand on heart, I don’t care about what other people think. I don’t care about any whispering. As a friend pointed out, real friends won’t be doing that. I also know many won’t believe me because I’m an outspoken woman. The only thing that has upset me is losing my blogging therapy and the complete lack of regard for my feelings from someone I cared about. Don’t confuse that with shame though, I stand by every word and I haven’t done anything wrong, that’s the only reason I haven’t deleted that blog post which would otherwise be long gone by now. If anything I’ve said is untrue, then they are free to write about it in their own blog. If the objective was to garner sympathy, then I’m sure they got it. But these were not the actions of a ‘private person’ which was the reason he had always given for not speaking to me publicly. He hadn’t wanted anyone to think he liked me, it was the single biggest issue for him, but was happy for them to think we hated each other. God, I hated being right every single time, but I was. I also know my absence will make life easier for them.
So I’m staying away for now. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have bigger things to worry about right now. I have said my piece, I just didn’t want to leave the readers wondering, or for people to think I’m hiding. I’m many things but I’m not a hider. I confront, I’m open, and I’m honest. I have no interest in slagging anyone off either privately or publicly to anyone, so please don’t get in touch to do that. They may have made it clear they don’t care about me, but I still care, that doesn’t just go away overnight, nor am I after anyone’s sympathy. So let that be an end to it.